9.16.12

My daddy had a heart attack last night. Second one in almost exactly 7 years. I stayed there at the hospital until almost 7am. I got about 2 hours of sleep. I'm so exhausted.
So, here's the issue of the day:::
Last night, I was the first one at the hospital. Which did not seem to thrill the mother unit. She wasn't emotional either. His heart rate was very low and his blood pressure was off the charts. We had the whole family there, as asked, which she was happy to see my brothers and my kids.  Every time I asked her if she needed anything, she didn't, from me.
I stayed with my dad till he got in his room and was stabilized. She kept telling me to leave.  I said no. Not until I knew he was safe and stable for the night. She promised me she was going to stay there with him but when I went to get her a fold out bed, she did not want it. ( I thought that was strange and told her it wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in a chair.) but she wouldn't let me get a bed. I said several times she could stay with me which she said no to each time. (fine the ). So when i was leaving, i told her that I was worried if she choose to drive because she was so tired and it was the middle of the night and the weather was bad. She still said she was staying.
The kids and I went to get a bite to eat. (saw 2 old friends, well 1 friend, 1 ex...) so after we ate, I went back to the hospital. She wasn't there.  Dad said she went home. He did not want me staying there and that he was just fine and go home to my  babies and sleep in my bed.
This AM, when I called him, he was getting up (still alone) which yes, bugged me. I asked if I could come over in a bit and dad said n a while after the doc comes to do the tests.
When I called back a few later, mom had shown up. I talked w dad for a few and they were waiting on test results, to make sure the stints in his heart were working.
Mom texted me a little bit ago saying all was clear and dad was going to be released today!!!
I called her back.  I asked her where she went last night and she straight up lied to me saying she was there with dad all night.  I didn't know what to say.  So then I said that I came back after dinner and to check back in and she wasn't there. She was pissed that I came back!!  Told me I didn't have to.
I said said i was worried and the nurses said it was ok, especially since he couldn't sleep.
I asked her again where she was because I worried about her driving that late and that it was a stressful day for her. She then said she slept in her truck in the parking lot.  I said, "oh. I didn't see your truck anywhere...".  She was MAD and went off on me saying I had no right to question her and that since I became an adult she didn't ask me where I was, who I was with or what I was doing and that I had no right to do that to her. And that whatever she does and with who is none of my business. I just sat there not knowing what to fucking say to that. I said again that I was worried about her last night and she told me not to. I said fine. I won't ever ask again. She said "good. Don't. It's none of your business and I'll hold you to that...."
What the fuck!?!?!?!?

Why does she think this is a fucking competition for my dads attention?  I love my dad! I have always been a daddy's girl. I know she hates that because her words and body language make it clear as glass. Why the hell does she fucking hate me so much!?!?!?!?!     How can you hate your child so much and think every bit of life is a damn competition for my dads attention!?

She has hurt me so bad today.  I feel so fucking angry at her for her hate and contempt towards me.

8.7.12

Feedback needed: to any who read.....
I had a consult with my director at work (she was just recently promoted).   She is pushing me to apply for her past position as CA supervisor. She said I could do it and I have the skills needed. I just dont think I want a salaried position again... There aren't very many of up for it and I talked to my coworker today who is also applying for it.   (yes sheila, i know we've discussed this...) lol
It felt really good to praised so positively from her, my director. I think she was shocked when I took her "constructive feedback" with a positive attitude, did not get defensive and said I would use it work harder on my relationship skills.   Coming from a (helping/social work) background where you are supposed to be empathetic to those who you work with, it's hard sometimes to turn off the sympathy towards some of our customers when then they are hurting, but we are expected to.  She reminded me that these are women who are used to being manipulative and I need to step back sometimes. I know I do.  She is aware how hard that is for me and seemed almost shocked when I asked her for suggestions on how to do that and not present as "cold" towards them.  I got a lot of positive support and feedback which I know will come in useful.
But she is really pushing me to apply for these 3 open positions within BSD that will put me in a supervisory role.  I'm not too sure if that's what I want anymore or if I'm just looking to stay where I'm at because ... Well, frankly, it's comfortable, and easy. And I really, for the most part, enjoy what I do.

I've been meeting people. Men. Dating.  It's...... Umm, interesting. This is where I find myself feeling the coldness that she said I need to identify. I'm so damn tired of getting a broken heart from every relationship I enter into.

I need sleep. Brit has bronchitis and sounds like shit, bless her sick little heart.
I'm 99% sure I'm taking a personal trip in September to see an old friend..... I wonder what will cum of that!?!?!?

Ok, bed time. Goodnight sweet darkness. Come wrap your arms around me tonight and hold me tight...

8.4.12

So, I've been "reminded"  by several people that I havent updated in awhile...
A lot has happened  recently...
But I'm not quite sure how I feel about posting everything.
My best friend was in a really bad car crash last weekend. She was on a breathing machine for a couple days and had major surgery because her back was crushed and her intestines ruptured. It was touch n go for a few days but she's finally out of ICU and a little more stable. She's in so much pain and it's heart breaking to see her that way. Because my chemo has been increased again, I've been getting sick and feel shitty that I cant spend more time at the hospital with her. 

06.18.12...still, for a few more minutes

....my heart is happy..... It was a day full of all sorts of hellish torment and emotions. * getting my ass chewed by a (person) I had only gone on a couple of dates with. I met the daughter. She loved me, of course. Little people do. It's the big ppl who pose the nervousness in me. Her parent was laid off and even though I tried to talk to her tonight, to help her see that it wasn't her fault, I got the shit from the parent. I'll take the kid, but that's about it now.... * an x ((husband)) tried to lay a guilt trip on me for his emotions. I'm sorry you're hurting but you chose the life you're now living and I am no longer that crucial part which is supposed to bring you happiness and enjoyment. I am still not married again, like you rushed back into, because I can honestly sAy I can enjoy quiet time, alone, by myself and not have to rely on you or anyone for my happiness. I'm so sorry he hurts. I'm so sorry it took sooooo many years for us to figure out that we could be decent friends, but I am no longer responsible for his pain. I will always love you, for the wonderful gifts in my life that I have today, that came from our life together, but you're choosing to live a miserable fucking existence with her and there in itself lies your hell..... * poor x boyfriend ... My counseling background came in useful for him tonight as he walked me through his hell of a journey of being told to (fu** off) by the latest love of his life. Try as I did, he is still not able to see that he had a part in their break up, as he did in ours. It is not always the girls fault but if you repeatedly date ladies who end up leaving you (for all the same reasons) wouldn't you take a step back and look at your own actions? Common sense. I feel hurt in my heart for him, as we talked all night tonight and he is no more closer to any kind of healing than he was before. But at least he thanked me for being his friend today. So, I did something right!! * at work, I wrote a huge proposal for a massive all customer (and their kids) fishing trip for 2 weeks out. I guess that expensive business degree finally came in handy. I got huge props at work for the proposal. Although the original plan was denied, I was given a 2nd chance to present it to the management staff, but as a smaller scale event, and then ......I got it!! Damn sweet!! * I get to spend all Saturday with my girlfriend, fishing!!!!!!!!!! We always have sooooo much fun together. And I really need to get back into my favorite hobby and put aside my fears (friggin spider bite!!). I'm so excited to get to spend the entire day with her, just us..... And the boat....the poles.....and the fisheys!!!!! Maybe we'll even get a road trip in the convertible...... She knows that's a sure fire seller for me, when she take me out in the Miata and we ride together with the wind through our hair. I'm just so happy to get to go and to spend a whole day with her. I already know we're going to have a ton of fun. We laugh so much we cry! * a partner I love with all my heart will be here soon and the news today was the best word spoken to me in a long time. I really miss our time together and its healing and loving and entertaining when we are together. * I finally saw my immunologist today..... We did LOTS of tests and blood work and no, I cannot stop the injections yet, but hopefully some of the results will yield positive answers which may give us more hope and a plan for future gradual step downs of the injections..... But, my breathing is at 114%, so in that, my lungs are the shit!!!! Oh yeah!!!!! * chris and Cesar found their new place and he's moving out the beginning of July. I know this was a temporary place for him to rest and thank you god that I was able to let him stay here. But hell if it doesn't break my heart all over again, watching him prepare to move away again. Eddie came and saw me At work today. God if he doesn't really look good! He's working for my x and doing a hella good job And you can see that the honest work has one him well. He smiled the entire visit and his body finally looks good and strong and healthy! It was sooooooo heart warming. Brit is home sick, on the 3rd week of the chest crud. She has the seal bark again. Doc said its just the crud and has to work it's way out, but she's damn miserable. Poor baby. I really missed my sister today. But I was able to go back through my phone, see some very precious pictures I uploaded and say a lil blessing that she is finally at peace where ever her soul is dancing. Hell if I don't still miss her calling me every single day...... Ok, I'm going to bed. Alone. But right now, I am more ok with it than ever. And that feels so good. And cupcake topper, since I know u read these silly blogs.... Thank you for tonight. You know why!! I love you always.....

06.18.12

It was virtually impossible to go to sleep last night. As I lay there, all alone, I realized that I might never feel your arms around me again. I felt so alone. I felt empty and hurt and so... Unloved. Used. I can stand in a room full of people who (say they) love me and know that, as I look at you, there is only one person I want in my life. The one I can never have. I know in a way you're out of my life now, yet you still talk to me as if you are with me every moment of every day, like a best friend. I can say you were my best friend. I'd never say different. I'm watching the sun rise through my bedroom window and can remember a day when I watched it with you, making plans, feeling so loved....and wanted. Now, even as I see you, I know you love me enough to let me say absolutely anything to you. You always make me feel so important in that moment, yet you are so damn guarded. Like you think I can't see it? It just hurts. You say you love me, which is why you gave me this space, to be me, and you still put yourself in my life. But when you need me. Or only what I can do to fulfil the emptiness you have in your life. I know you were my best friend, but I want my lover back. I haven't felt whole since...

05.28.12

Im stupid, stupid, stupid. Yes, I can say that about myself at this point in time....... I let my morals and my guard down and fell in love a person (one of) I had been ((""dating??"")) or whatever the hell it was supposed to be ......... Yesterday, it ended. I'm allowed to date whomever, whenever, wherever I want. I'm soooooo damn single it's pathetic at my age. So, I can date right? Why the hell throw love into the damn mix?! I'm a little hurt right now, and rightly so. But, I also brought it on myself. Can I blame it on "chemo brain/chemo fog"?! Pleeeaaasssseeee!?!? I like to think that I have quite the variety to choose from (when it comes to dating.....) considering my "tastes". Lol!! Fuck-it. Enough of the GD heartbreak..... It's over and life definitely moves on. F'en married people shouldn't EVER even put themselves out there, because if they cheat once, they will do it again. Psychology shows the facts and the stats. So, screw me once, shame on u, screw me twice and I'm going to hunt ur ass down and torture the hell out of you for damaging the last little bit of heart I had left........ Im just kidding, right? Would innocent lil me ever really threaten or hurt another person......!?! Ha! Try me. (sweet lil dimpled smiles!) heeee heeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Muwahahahahahahaaaahhhhhhaaaaaa!! Moving on..... Just like they did...... I added a second major to my Bachelors program, which i am VERYYYYYYYY excited about. So along with Criminal Justice, I'll also have a degree in Human Services and Behaviors. A LOTTTTTT of work but great prep for the Masters program, granted I'm alive long enough to get that far. :)) Had a wonderful weekend party for my daughters coming home. Ever tried to play volleyball with a 2.5 foot blow up beach ball?? Friggn hilarious! I've never played volleyball, but it was just so much fun! Britty had the best time with Robert and Sarah. I haven't seen those three together for ages and our guts all hurt from all the junk food and laughing!! My GF Geri brought out her 3yo lil boy who instantly became the life and laugh of the party! Poor Mike. We both tried to teach lil Drake how to cast but he snagged Mike more times than the line even hit the water! Then he decided to make mom chase him as he ran out into the lake as far as he could, SOAKED head to toe!! He's sooooooooooooo damn adorable! I asked him if I could trade him to his mom for the fishing pole and as he thought about it, very hard, he finally looked at her, looked at me, back to her and said, "no, not for the pole cuz she can't do it but you can trade me for a bag of candy!". How cute is that!?!?!?!?! It's a real blessing for me to have both kids at home again. They're so darn grown up. Christopher has been the biggest help when I get sick, since he kind of took over where brit left off. I'm so glad she got the break though because a child should NEVER have to care for a sick parent through chemo. But she only came home tuesday and I had gotten really sick thurs at work and was (sent) home. I had my chemo and injections and totally forgot that my girlie hadn't seen me be sick for almost a month now. She was only around for that initial first dose. I was so so sick on thurs and Friday and could tell it freaked her out bad. I tried to stay in my room or the bathroom but there's no mistaking "chemo sick". Fuk I hate putting my kids through seeing and hearing that. It's hell. I need to get to sleep, the nightmares are back FULL FORCE so sleep is NOT something I look forward to anymore. I fell over after work today from complete exhaustion and slept for like 4 hours. I guess I needed it,,,,,,, Good night world. Goodnight moon. Goodnight babies. Goodnight person who ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, left it beating just enough so that I can still continue to feel the fucking hell of the empty torture with every damn bloody beat......... Goodnight rain. Goodnight friends and family, wherever you are...... :-))

5.7.12

Shit. I brushed my hair this morning and some came out, like usual... Tonight, I took out my ponytail and the holder had some hair on it, which is not usual... I couldn't even brush it before bed, like I always do, because just running my hands thru it, A good amount is already falling out. So, I guess my body is already friggn pissed at having to deal with 2 chemotherapies. I don't think I'm fu**ing ready now!! Can I cry yet!? Can I fukn scream and yell and place blame!? Can I just say fuk it and give up because I'm so sick of being in pain and sick all the time? I hurt. My body hurts all the time anymore. I have to fake it so I can go fishing this year. This will be 2summers since I picked up my rod. When I can't fish, even if this shit hole shell of a body is still upright, I'm dead inside.... I sleep alone. I cry alone. I hurt alone. I throw up, a lot, alone. I feel like I'm slowly dying, alone......I'm so over this right now..... But for right now, just this last few minutes before I try to sleep, I refuse to give in. Fuk death. But to hell with being alone thru this! I need that someone. I need you now. Fix your shit and come back home....... I honestly don't think, that if I have to keep doing EVERYTHING alone, for so much longer, That I'll even be able to. Someone PLEASE tell me: when is love enough?

4.28.12

4.28.12 It hurts today, more than before Like my hearts been ripped out and stomped to the floor I can't find the words to describe the pain I feel My face still smiles, but my pain is real I know it's all because of the choices I've made Those are my dues, the prices I've paid the loneliness, the emptiness, the sadness inside Sometimes I succeed but it's so hard to hide To those who know my heart so well They see it firsthand, this living fucking hell Sometimes I think I'm done with this fight But I struggle and hold on with all my might They tell me tomorrow will only get better They don't know and their opinion doesn't matter The fear, the terrors, the night sweats and pain At times I wonder if I'd choose this again How easy it would be to just let it all go  Would you miss me tomorrow, would you even know That I choose to leave, that I'm really gone Three little hearts without a mom I could never hurt them in that wicked way Those three little hearts love me more than words can say But what about me I'm still completely alone When I lay down at night this space is my own My wants are so simple so easy so clear I tried to tell you but did you really hear

4.24.12

It's late. Another night alone. Trouble with the kids. Medical crap. Nothing major like legal or anything. Yes, I do feel blessed...... I can do medical, I got that area covered. Legal and I'd have to kick some ass. One of Brits friends told us tonight that she's working off community service hours...... I thought this kid was like sooooo honorable and (pretty religious/Christian). She got caught stealing from a local store. I about choked I was so friggn shocked! So, in criminal law, my grade is sitting at an A+!!!! Friggn whooooppppeeeee for me. I was so worried that since I spent a few days sick and ....uh, otherwise (entertained) for 2 weeks of this class that my grade would be very low, like a damn C or even as bad as a D. But, since my company left, I have put my heart back into my class work and it shows. I think I would be beyond disappointed in myself if I got to graduation, early next year, with anything less than a GPA of 3.3 or around there. (damn perfectionist...i am.) I "caught" a lady sneaking in contraband to the center today.... Not a good thing. I had to call the director, bless her heart. These ladies lately have really been putting us through the wringer! But, she came back and handled it with me and really validated the work i was doing especially on the person search I had done to find the contraband. The lady had to go to the hospital though, due to taking to much (stuff) and the horrible part is: I don't think she even realizes that she put her life in such a serious risk. She could have died today out there .... And she was with me! Well, not when the incident happened, I happened to be the transport, so I got the end of it. Sometimes, I just don't understand how these ladies can say they want recovery, that they are there voluntarily, yet do some of the things they do. Sneaky addict behaviors! But, like they say in NA, "you can't bullshit a bullshitter....." Long day, glad its over. I'm crawling into my monster comfy bed and drifting away. Sweet dreams all.

4.20.12

And yes, I'm still sick. LOL
Still taking daily oral chemo meds.
Still getting immunotherapy injections every week.
Still taking IM injections once every 2 weeks. And hell do they interact with the chemo!
When I took it last week, I about puked all over the doll who was here taking care of me. (whoops!LOL)
But they didn't leave me...... I was amazed at the love, care and attention I still received, even after getting sick.
At least I don't still get sick like I used to.  These episodes only last hours at a time.... not days, like before.
But my K2 (potassium) level is still dropping. Normal people are supposed to be above 4. I was still down to a 2. Much lower for longer periods can kill a person. I've added healthier foods to my diet.  Peanuts are a protein so added to chocolate, which should really be classified as a protein too since it comes from a bean, and added together to make Reeses, should really count that I'm eating healthier..... Kidding!!
I got called today from the doctors office and told I need to have blood work by Friday. So, I'll go tomorrow afternoon, why go today when you can put it off till the very last minute???  I hate blood work.
But, I'll find out Monday if any meds have to change.

I know I'm sick and struggle every day with this crap but hell if I'm not tired of doing all this alone.......
good night.

4.19.12

I don't even know how to start. It's been so long since I've written and so much has changed. 

School is still good. This semester is Criminal Law. Tough as shit but it's really interesting.  GPA is still down, it's a 3.2 and that's killing me. Such a dang perfectionist.....

Brits doing well. Stable and making it through every day. She has so many more good days now than bad.

She went to her JR prom last weekend and yes, I cried all day. I had a close friend in town who actually changed the flight so that I wouldn't be crying over both of them in one day.  What an act of love right?

Work is still difficult. I keep asking for debriefing sessions after a crisis and it's looked at like I'm asking for the moon. F'en hell.  We push for our customers to talk, to journal, to not stuff their feelings, to work through their sh**.  Yet, as staff, we are there day in and day out, listen to the sh**, take all sorts of verbal abuse day after day, care for them and their kids, witness and break up the fights... and the list of hell goes on and on. Yet, as staff, we only have each other. We get caught talking about it and we can get written up. Who do we talk to? Who do we defuse with?  Were supposed to abide by HIPAA so how do we get through? 

We were heard joking about a really stressful incident last week and we got talked to for our attitudes! WTF?! Really?  We were in the staff office. closed doors. no customers anywhere around. we were talking amongst ourselves.  But were not allowed to talk about any of the situations we experience? 

It makes people like walking talking time bombs. 

For the most part, I REALLY enjoy what I do. I enjoy my career. But I do not like be treated like a robot and a person who is supposed to remain unwavering through stressful situations. I have never lost it in front of my clients. Never. But after a crisis, like ANY human, I need to de-brief. Just as do my co-workers. But were not allowed.  One clinical manager said that is what our weekly team meeting is for, yet we have never been able to utilize that time as a debriefing session. As “counselors” aren’t we supposed to be allowed the same courtesy so that we can be the most effective supports we can be. 

F’en hell. 

Sheila and I made it to the gym, once last week. I keep pushing too much and my knee kills the next day. I miss going every day. It was euphoric for me. My body felt so much better. I would still go every day if it weren't for this damn knee. September cant come soon enough so I can have my complete new knee. I know it's going to be hell recuperating but it's sooooo going to be worth it! 

Ok, here's the juicy crap.  :-)  took long enough to build up to right?   I've had a few dates. :-))   yes, mostly with the same person!!! ha ha 

But....... shit. nevermind. I'm not ready to dump it, all.  I do feel like I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've known each other for years. But there is always a catch isn't there???  

The other night with this person was amazing. The way we talk and connect. The feel of electricity when our skin touches. The sparkle in our eyes when we share a secret moment. But then also knowing that the moment wont last forever. 

I've loved this person for a long while. I don't know how this is going to work any time soon though. I know where I am. I also know where this person is at and that I cannot make a person change their own circumstances. 

I hate feeling like I am on the back burner. 

4.3.12

Did you vote today? Yes, of course I did! I told a friend who asked, " I'M THE NRA AND I VOTE!!!" Brit is doing her patch testing. It's day two and she's miserable. Anyone who has ever had it done, (I've done it twice now) knows that its a living hell for 4 days. When we got done, the bill was just under $1600.00. Gotta love insurance she said, like she'd ever have to pay the bill. Yes, I trained her well! ;). But no antihistamines for last week and this, for the tests. And without her taking them (at night) I uh... Kinda forgot mine too. We're a sneezing runny mess. She punched herself in the nose yesterday she had em going so often. I bonked my own head this morning sneezing. The ladies in the center where I work kept saying geez, bless you again Kirsten! Ugh. Ive been on this new regimen of medication cocktails for almost 2 weeks now and I see a little improvement. My joints arent near as swollen and I can make it through most days (if they're completely UNSTRESSFUL) without crashing and needing a nap by 3. My darling day shift coworkers are so good to me and really are helpful to keep up making sure I rest enough. I keep asking the boss, she she has little ones, if it's fair for them to take naps in kindergarten and they have boatloads of energy, why can't us 'older' folks take one cuz we have so much LESS energy?! Makes total sense to me.... I have company coming tomorrow for just over a week. Whoooooppoeeeeee! :). We've known each other since what, grade school? Wicked. It's going to be fun. I'm excited and nervous as shit. Y'all know how self conscious I am..... Class is way tough this semester. The American constitution and criminal law. Damn. But, I finished my last class, crime prevention with a very high B. I was disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I like having my GPA above 3.5 but I think it's now about 3.4. Not good...for me. Damn perfectionism. We're gonna try tubing at arctic valley again next weekend. last weekend was terrible. I was late getting off work by an hour, slid and went sideways backwards on the hill, we were minutes too late so couldn't sled, I slipped cuz I brought the wrong boots, wiped out on the already BAD knee and nailed Sheila in her bad knee, almost ran out of gas going back to town and then Brit crashed her car into a snowbank and I thought they were gonna go over the side of the mountain...... It was a hella long day. So, for Easter, let's try again!! And this time, no friggn UGGS!!! K. Off for now, just needed to check in.

3.30.12

Its been a few days/weeks since I've had the time to be lazy and write.... Finally a day off during the week but it's full of dr Appointments. Britty spent the other nite in the ER again. But this time, she wasn't deathly Ill. She has TMJ and her jaw popped out (which I must say, appears to be hella painful!!!) and then it locked shut!! My poor baby. She was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. They had to give her a truck load of medication so she could relax enough for them to manipulate her jaw. Then this intern was called in to hold her head like his strong hands were a torture device. Still didn't work. The awesome doc, who also has TMJ, got one side back in but there was no getting the right side to pop back into place. With all the meds she was given, oral and Iv, I can't believe she walked out of the ER wide awake! I had fallen asleep in the hard cold chair with my head falling back over the back, my mouth wide open. Omg. You think my kid woke me? Of course not! She was realllllllly medicated and laughed at me! The goofball. At least she got a few good laughs during her very painful experience....even if it was at my expense. :) Headed to the oncologist in a few hours. Since I blew my knee again, I haven't been able to work out and I put On a couple pounds. No more than 5 probably but I feel miserable. The gym is like crack for me!! I got my immunotherapy injection yesterday and then a blood draw. Tonight I have to take my big home injection. I hate that thing but it really helps keeping the Eosinophilis at a manageable level and my joints don't lock up near as much ...so, suffer and deal. Random thought:::: I LOOOOOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need to get my house cleaned up.... Have some very special company coming into town next week and y'all who know my house, know that a stranger could get lost in here and never be found again! (kidding... But it sounded good.). It's just that the kids and I have accumulated a lot of shit living here in the past 7+ years and it always seems cluttered, to me..... So, off to appointments then home for stupid homework. Class this semester is The American constitution and criminal law. I'm already overwhelmed........... Later.

3.30.12

Its been a few days/weeks since I've had the time to be lazy and write.... Finally a day off during the week but it's full of dr Appointments. Britty spent the other nite in the ER again. But this time, she wasn't deathly Ill. She has TMJ and her jaw popped out (which I must say, appears to be hella painful!!!) and then it locked shut!! My poor baby. She was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. They had to give her a truck load of medication so she could relax enough for them to manipulate her jaw. Then this intern was called in to hold her head like his strong hands were a torture device. Still didn't work. The awesome doc, who also has TMJ, got one side back in but there was no getting the right side to pop back into place. With all the meds she was given, oral and Iv, I can't believe she walked out of the ER wide awake! I had fallen asleep in the hard cold chair with my head falling back over the back, my mouth wide open. Omg. You think my kid woke me? Of course not! She was realllllllly medicated and laughed at me! The goofball. At least she got a few good laughs during her very painful experience....even if it was at my expense. :) Headed to the oncologist in a few hours. Since I blew my knee again, I haven't been able to work out and I put On a couple pounds. No more than 5 probably but I feel miserable. The gym is like crack for me!! I got my immunotherapy injection yesterday and then a blood draw. Tonight I have to take my big home injection. I hate that thing but it really helps keeping the Eosinophilis at a manageable level and my joints don't lock up near as much ...so, suffer and deal. Random thought:::: I LOOOOOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need to get my house cleaned up.... Have some very special company coming into town next week and y'all who know my house, know that a stranger could get lost in here and never be found again! (kidding... But it sounded good.). It's just that the kids and I have accumulated a lot of shit living here in the past 7+ years and it always seems cluttered, to me..... So, off to appointments then home for stupid homework. Class this semester is The American constitution and criminal law. I'm already overwhelmed........... Later.

3.9.12

3.9.12

I had the weirdest dream last night!!  I couldn't sleep, no surprise there....

Anchorage was turned into weird town where all these strange ladies dressed as the white storm trooper bad guys in star wars, wearing the full costume but you could tell they were ladies because they all had loooong blonde hair hanging out of the helmet.

They went around with these blue and green plastic cheap clipboards and everyone had their name read. You had to decide in an instant if you believed in God or Satan. I said, “God of course!”  They grabbed me out of my apartment. They said Brittany’s name and she stuttered, scared.  “Uh, God?”  “GO WITH YOUR MOM! NOW” Brit was grabbed and shoved towards me.

They looked at Chris… and Brit and I were so scared. He’s pretty much his own person. (Atheist I guess?) He neither follows here nor there.   They grabbed him and yelled, “TOO LONG NON BELIEVER!! GO TO THE TRUCK!”  And they took him away to this horribly smelling old time slave looking truck. It was so sad. All these crying people. Men, women and children. Some little kids- all alone. They threw him in the back of this jail looking cell on the back of this flatbed.  We couldn’t talk to him or anyone.  He was crying and it killed me.

They pushed us towards this Greyhound looking bus and forced us on, giving us a seat assignment.  Brit and were together next to 5 of her very blonde girlfriends.

They were all hugging on me asking, “Mommy, what the hell is going on?”  “What is all this?”  “They took my parents away!”  “Mommy, were so scared!” 

How was I to tell all these (suddenly scared little) girls that I had no idea what was going on. I was just as scared if not more. Bastards just took my son away!

My thoughts were running loudly in my head and coming nonstop. “What the F*$?!?!  Who cares about anyone else??!!!! They took my son!”

We were told to sit down and hold on.  All the girls crammed in by me and Britt.  Our bus started moving.  One parent was screaming for her child who was on the other bus. She tried to jump out the back window and they beat her to death with those Godawful green and blue plastic clip boards… those damn things,  they didn’t break.

We were driven, the bus full of almost all crying people, downtown to where the 5^th avenue mall used to be.  We were made to stand in this LOOOOONG line. We couldn’t get out of our space or go see anyone if we saw someone we knew.  We were put right in line behind a girlfriend from work, Geri. I looked at her and she had been crying. We hugged tightly.  I asked her, “Where’s Drake!?  Oh my Gaaawwwdd!!”   She cried even harder while shaking her head.  One of my girls asked her, “They let you stay and you have dark hair. But they took your baby and he has blonde hair. What happened? This isn’t fair!!”

We were told to move forward with the line and the white star wars ladies were all handing us all small bags.  “Put these on now. All of you. You will find they are your own swimsuits. Put them on right now, here in line. Do as you’re instructed. Now!”

My group of girls all looked around and we opened our bags.  OH MY GOD!  I was given a little blue and green flowery designed bikini that I had purchased when I took a trip with Kathleen, to New York.  Brit was given her brown bikini that I got her a couple summers ago. At least they were cute….

So we sort of made a make shift cover for each other to change. We gathered in a circle with one girl changing at a time in the middle.  (Of course Geri and all the teenage girls looked amazing. I hate my stretch marks and scars from all my surgeries so I HATED how I looked.)

We asked one of the storm trooper ladies how long we had to wear these suits. She simply looked straight ahead and said in a very monotone voice, “Forever…”

“NO WAY LADY!!”  screamed Karly, one of Brit’s friend and they grabbed her and took her away!   We again cried more.

So we were pushed forward in this line that twisted and turned all throughout the 5^th avenue mall and through down town.   When we got up around a corner in the mall where it looked like the dimond center, up by the arcade and the movie theatre, (but it was still 5^th avenue mall…?) there were these 4 OLLLDDD men setting up a card table in the middle of the line. We were confused and Gerri and I told each other to talk to them because neither of us wanted to get taken away.  The storm trooper ladies were coming back again, with their ever present stupid clipboards and asked us why we didn’t have the old men move forward.  The girl crew looked at and I said, “Ma’am I’m really scared of saying the wrong thing to you and getting taken away. I wasn’t sure if we should talk to them or not. Can you please help me out? Let me know what to say.”  

She them took off her helmet and all this amazing beautiful blonde hair came flowing down around her shoulders and down her back.  “Kirsten, thank you for asking.  You just need to remind them to keep the line moving. That’s all that’s important.” 

I looked at her and knew she wasn’t all bad.  I said, “Is there any specific thing we can do to ensure that our girl crew here stays together? It’s devastating to continue losing people.”   

“Of course Kirsten.  Just keep the line moving forward. Don’t talk to other pods. Stay together. Don’t take off your swimsuits and don’t question.  The line HAS to keep moving. Please understand this. It has to keep moving no matter what.  These old men and other pods like them will try to stop the line, you CANNOT let them. You cannot go round them so you have to persuade them to keep the line moving.  Can you do that?  You’re the leader of your pod. You have to do that.”

“Uhmm, ok.  I can do that.  Thank you.”  She smiled at me, put on her helmet again and walked away.   We all looked back and forth between our girl group.  I told the girls to never talk to anyone outside our pod and to always let me do the talking since I seemed to be the chosen one to speak. Geri laughed and said, “You’re always the talker Kirsten!”  And we all laughed, finally.

Around the corner came this bunch of star wars ladies except they walked with a sway and a purpose and didn’t look too kind.  They were all carrying these small brown bags.  When they got to us, their helmets disappeared and they handed each of us a baggie.  When we looked inside it was full of chicken wings. GROSS!!!!!!!!  Yes, chicken wings. Anyone who knows me, knows I HATE those disgusting things.  

“This is your bag of food. It will never be empty.  You have to eat them. ALL”

“Uhhh, okkk?  Forever I take it ma’am? Do we keep our bags?”  She said yes.  And they moved on behind us.   We still had Geri, me, Britty, Ashley, Kailee, and 2 other blond friends of Brits from school. We all agreed to follow their instructions so we didn’t get in trouble.

My iphone rang. We didn’t even know we had our phones!  It was my oldest brother Frank he said he was being driven there with his 2 youngest daughters. Thank God I thought. At least they were ok.  He asked if we needed anything. I said, “yeah, some clothes would be nice!!” He said he was given permission to make a stop so he was going to my house to get my meds and I asked him for a tshirt to cover up with.  Almost as soon as the words came out of my mouth, those blasted clipboards were hitting me all over!! 

They were yelling at me, “You will wear no other clothes! Don’t ask!!”    And after they beat me down, they walked away.  My girl crew helped me up and we moved our line forward up around the corner.  We were headed onto the roof. There were these dark painted lockers all along the walls where our lines were.  I told Geri “I really can’t eat this shit. I never have and they’ll make me sick. I need to put them in a locker.”

So when our line got closer to the outside wall, Geri slid over and slipped the bag full inside, dumped it and handed me back the bag.  We laughed so hard.  And she told me, “We will just keep dumping them for you and wait till they rot and the smell is so bad!”   We kept our line moving and no one said anything else about it. 

When we got closer to the edge we saw this HUGE tube looking thing. We were told by one of the storm trooper ladies that we had to remain together and go down the water slide. 

I said, “Can I ask you a question ma’am?”   “Yes Kirsten.”   “Can you tell me how to keep my pod together, keep holding our bags and slide all at the same time?”  She looked at me like I just grew another head.

“Figure it out Kirsten., You’re the leader.  NOW GO!!!” and she pushed my group together and into the tube.

We were screaming and the voice coming the walls said, “THIS IS YOUR ETERNITY!!! Muwahahahahahahahhhaaaaa!!!”

I woke up in a massive sweat and freaked out. 

3.8.12

Still fighting the sickness all these meds are bringing on...work is kiiling me. I'm so exahusted!!

How do you feel when someone you love, says I love you for the first time?   I do love this person. But...

Please email me and let me know. kirsten_kirk@hotmail.com

3.4.12

Tomorrow, my son, Chris and I are going to a funeral. His blessed most amazing Godmother, Deanna, passed away last week. She was one of the most loved adults I ever looked up to as a child. She said she was so honored when I asked her, at 18, to be my first child's godparent. We kept in touch over the years and of course, like all people, we got busy with life and drifted slowly apart. Never too far. Never to where we couldn't talk on the phone. (since i grew up, married, moved and grew away from our Eagle River church) it was harder to see our old church family members as often.
But we always remained close. She even gave me one of my first job references and I was surprised when I was told how highly she spoke of me! I had no idea I could ever make such a positive impression on someone from such a young age. (I was a rotten teenager, but she obviously never lost faith in me!)
Then, when the kids played violin in middle school, several years ago, her son in law was their teacher! Imagine our surprise! When I called her to tell her, her beautiful voice laughed and she spoke so positively of Mr. Z. It was just such a sweet experience.

Tomorrow will be so hard for her daughters, and loving husband. They are a solid strong family. She has beautiful daughters with beautiful grand kids! She raised them well!!

Prayer for them tonight. Lord be with them tonight and tomorrow.

Deanna, you will always be in my heart. I love you.

3.2.12

Whooooohoooooo..... Back on the bi-weekly injections again. Well last time they were weekly, so this is still good, right? I believe so.
So, at the oncologist, my EOS are going back up : 900. Not horrible. High for normal people and although low ((for me)) they're still slowly rising again. 'normal' people are like under 400.
Next we have the WBC: it was up to 13000. Again, low for me but above 'normal'. Normal range is below 700. So not too bad.
Then we have potassium levels. Normal is around 5. Mine is waaayyy down. 3. So upped my potassium med. good, maybe I'll get some energy back!
Lastly we have some 3 letter word for some marker in my blood which is high and might possibly explain the swelling in my joints, weird pains and complete numbness in my monster feet. I was gonna write it all down but we were talking a lot and he was doing his best to explain everything to my feeble mind. I forgot to write it down! I was on it at the oncologist but spaced it at the rheumatologist. But he put me back on injections bi-weekly. They hurt like hell but they really help! I used to get horrendous headaches when I took it before. If they don't work after a month, then we'll move on to add methotrexate. Another oral chemo med.

Sometimes I feel like a damn lab rat....with great hair! Lol. I'm so glad it's growing back, curly as hell but it's mine at least. :). I hope it doesn't start to fall out again...

You know, when I worked at ASSets, doing case management for my folks/organizing treatment teams could be so damn difficult when there was more than 2-3 doctors on a team. I'm wayyyy past that. I've lost count. We joked today, me and my newest member, dr. B. he thought it was great when I shook his hand and said, 'welcome to the team...good luck!!!!'

Ok, so I'm gonna head home now and start my meds. I hope to god I feel better soon cuz I sure miss the gym with Sheila (& yes, Zen, u 2!) :))
Hopefully tomorrow..... I'll let ya know.

3.2.12

Waiting at the oncologist office.... It's like a constant reminder that I'll never be "well".
I'm ok with it, really!!!
I hope we can find out today why I'm sooooo tired again. I refuse to have a flare up or relapse.

120/88. Not bad! And still losing weight!! Only 1 lb since jan but hey, no complaints!!!
Lil nervous. New nurse. Found out we went to charter college together, both transferred out and both swear we'll never go back! How odd!

The front desk lady, S, always notices when I lose weight and it makes me feel great! We talked about going to the gym and my nazi work out partner! Ha ha.

Well, I'm gonna sit n wait.... Stupid blood work....

More after. :))

2.28.12

Injection time... Ouch. They're getting bigger and more painful and I whine and complain and then some stupid kid comes in and makes faces at me for being a big fat baby.

Long day at work.

So, I'll be honest and open up, since that's why I'm here. We found another lump. It's growing. I go in Friday to have it checked. A little freaked out because it surface and if I'm told I can't go tanning anymore, I'll flip! There really isn't much more in the line of meds I can do except increase the chemo I'm already on probably but who knows. Maybe we can just cut the whole thing out and I can suffer with another "hole"!! Yes!

Holes can be hidden, hats can be worn, my once almost shiny bald head will eventually keep growing hair, but a tan.... I'm an addict. Lol. I have one vice, tanning.

Ok, gonna go sit and wait it out. :))

2.27.12 page 2...

No pinkeye!!!!!! Just sick. Happy happy joy joy

2.27.12

I said I was going to try to do better, keeping up with this... My sons Godmother passed away last Friday. She was an amazing woman. She left the memory in people's hearts that I could only hope that people would say about me after I'm gone. Her daughter has been so strong while her mom lived a life ravaged by the f*;@$!' C word. It makes me see my own daughter through a different set of eyes. All that she has been through taking care of me since she was 10... Now she's sick. She has a chronic illness that will follow her the rest of her life. She has a type of Hyper Eosinephillia kind of like I do, making her allergic to just about everything she can eat. We go in for testing for her next month. But the EOS markers are off the charts, like mine. Hers is really rare too. We did so much research already but there just seems to be more and more to read. She came home sick from school today, I had to leave work to get her. One of my co- workers asked me, when I returned, what was wrong with me today. I said, 'nothing.'. She persisted and I told her my daughter was sick and I had just picked her up at school to take her home. She said, 'so what's wrong with her? Why couldn't she just stay there?'. (mind you, this was in the living room in front of all the customers I work with and I didn't want all of them nosing into my business....and she's never had kids!) so I said, 'she's sick. Just, ... you know, sick...'. (obviously I wasn't aware that that response was not an answer.). So I got, 'well what's going on with her.' ugh. So finally, 'she has a chronic illness. She's probably going to be sick the rest of her life. We do all that we can to ensure her health but sometimes, like me, she just gets sick. Ok?'. Was that the wrong reply!!! (sarcasm!) 'like cancer sick?!'. ((OMG!)). No, I said, just sick! And I walked away leaving a confused and perplexed looking woman standing in the hall. I guess I can only have so much tact before my bucket is empty... Tomorrow is Cultural Awareness Foods at our all staff meeting. I actually made 2 separate treats. Cherokee huckleberry (blueberry really) bread and Norwegian cherry almond cookies. I hate almonds and allergic to cherries so at least I know the cookies will make it to work and not my belly! ;-) So I'm done with this for tonight. Usually I'm not so boring but I feel bored so if youre reading this, then now youre bored too. Ha. Thank you Ms. cupcake Topper for the ride tonight and for enjoying my bread. I'm glad you came over, as always...and never enough. Sweet dreams all. Xxoo

25 February 2012

Woke up sick again. Think I have pink eye on top of the allergies. Last week the nurse told me I have moved up to only 1 injection a week but the dose is high so I feel real sick. I'm still taking chemo, orally, once a day. 

For those who are new to my (life of blogs), I was diagnosed with HES in July of 2010. Hyper Eosinephilic Disorder is a disease that although it isn't cancerous right now, it mimics leukemia and can turn into cancer in the bone marrow if not managed and treated, continuously. 

So, I started on really high doses of Prednisone, 6 different antihistamines and I've tried a couple different types of chemo. This one now, Hydrea, is the best thing ever! Doesn't it sound crazy that chemo is the best thing to happen to me??!!

Anyways, I started a blog several years ago on a different social network but it's gotten old, hacked, not used, etc... So I figured I'd update! (That always cracks my kids up, when I update to new technology!) LOL. So...........

I push myself too hard. I don’t like admitting I’m sick. Really sick.  I keep trying to put on a happy face, I go to work every day, I do my classes full time.

I was watching this show on TV where the teenage girl was trying to take care of mom, but through drug use. 

Drug addiction is a disease just as is my HES. But it gave me flash backs to 10, 15 years ago when I was in active addiction and my kids had to take care of me. Sometimes I wonder if this disease I have now is a payback for the wretched way I acted in my addiction.

Friday, when I got off my overnight shift, I went to ACBHC to turn in all the last of my paperwork to get my certification for CDCI. Chemical Dependency Counselor I. A real counselor for the fight I also went through. 

NO one knows the hell of drug addiction except the people who have fought that fight. The person it hits, the kids who watch their parent slowly die, the parents of the child who is stuck in their addiction, then distantly the friends and family of those around. But the fight that person has to go through, it’s an internal struggle and it never goes away.

Sometimes I wonder how I got so blessed to have the amazing children I have. They never fail to tell me how much they love me.  (Even after all that I had put them through)...

We found out on Tuesday this week that Britty also has an HES strain. She has numbers in the hundreds! (They’re supposed to be single digits). She has it in the throat, esophagus and stomach. She’s on massive steroids now.   I printed out a lot of information but when I started to read it, I cried. I cried for what she might have to go through. I cried because I know how sick I get and I cried because I NEVER want her to ever feel anything near what I have.  She has been right by side through every flare up, every sick day, every treatment.  I cannot give her any less than 110% since she gives even more.

This is my first writing this year and I promised the kids that I would keep this journal going (through my illness) until I’m gone. So, I guess I just have to get back into the swing of it. 

I write a lot when I’m sick. My brain kicks into overdrive and it takes off. 

I have only 36 credits left and I'll graduate with a Bachelor's in Criminal Justice. I even made the International Honor Society! WHooohoooo for me!!  My dad jokes about my grades and wonders why I never got anything near this good in High School. Ha. I wasn't paying an arm and a leg in high school for my education. 

I also wasn't as lackadaisical about my personal/love life. Nowadays, I just live every day as it's my last. I'm not perfect, not even near close but my relationships, well, sometimes they are dysfunctional, some are unusual, some even possibly unethical?  HA HA (not illegal or anything but there are people who still bounce in and out of my life who haven't given up some things from .....dare I say it, as old as stupid high school behaviors). Don't judge. If you don't like what I say, don't read it. This is for me, for my kids, not everyone will like what I say...but it's me. :-) 

Journalism is the best release I have. My friend Brad suggested to Brit, when she a difficult day facing her new diagnosis, to journal. He gave her some amazing coping skills that I hadn't thought of.  I have been writing for years, he suggested she take it up, nightly, write in her journal, write about her feelings, her day, school, work, boys, her girlfriends, anything and everything. Kindof what I do with my HES journal.

Oh, for those who also didn't know, the kids and I agreed that when I got sick, I'd start writing so that when I'm gone, we can turn all these (blogs, journals, writings, whatever they are) into a book, so that others who go through illness- chemo, can see that they are not alone. 

I'm going to try to start my day. I feel horrible but it's my only day off and I have a crapload of stuff to catch up on.  I'll be more diligent in writing. As much as I exercise now, (my new years resolution with one of my bff's SHEILA to work out more often) I resolved to keep up on my writing too. 

KK <3