5.7.12

Shit. I brushed my hair this morning and some came out, like usual... Tonight, I took out my ponytail and the holder had some hair on it, which is not usual... I couldn't even brush it before bed, like I always do, because just running my hands thru it, A good amount is already falling out. So, I guess my body is already friggn pissed at having to deal with 2 chemotherapies. I don't think I'm fu**ing ready now!! Can I cry yet!? Can I fukn scream and yell and place blame!? Can I just say fuk it and give up because I'm so sick of being in pain and sick all the time? I hurt. My body hurts all the time anymore. I have to fake it so I can go fishing this year. This will be 2summers since I picked up my rod. When I can't fish, even if this shit hole shell of a body is still upright, I'm dead inside.... I sleep alone. I cry alone. I hurt alone. I throw up, a lot, alone. I feel like I'm slowly dying, alone......I'm so over this right now..... But for right now, just this last few minutes before I try to sleep, I refuse to give in. Fuk death. But to hell with being alone thru this! I need that someone. I need you now. Fix your shit and come back home....... I honestly don't think, that if I have to keep doing EVERYTHING alone, for so much longer, That I'll even be able to. Someone PLEASE tell me: when is love enough?