05.28.12

Im stupid, stupid, stupid. Yes, I can say that about myself at this point in time....... I let my morals and my guard down and fell in love a person (one of) I had been ((""dating??"")) or whatever the hell it was supposed to be ......... Yesterday, it ended. I'm allowed to date whomever, whenever, wherever I want. I'm soooooo damn single it's pathetic at my age. So, I can date right? Why the hell throw love into the damn mix?! I'm a little hurt right now, and rightly so. But, I also brought it on myself. Can I blame it on "chemo brain/chemo fog"?! Pleeeaaasssseeee!?!? I like to think that I have quite the variety to choose from (when it comes to dating.....) considering my "tastes". Lol!! Fuck-it. Enough of the GD heartbreak..... It's over and life definitely moves on. F'en married people shouldn't EVER even put themselves out there, because if they cheat once, they will do it again. Psychology shows the facts and the stats. So, screw me once, shame on u, screw me twice and I'm going to hunt ur ass down and torture the hell out of you for damaging the last little bit of heart I had left........ Im just kidding, right? Would innocent lil me ever really threaten or hurt another person......!?! Ha! Try me. (sweet lil dimpled smiles!) heeee heeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Muwahahahahahahaaaahhhhhhaaaaaa!! Moving on..... Just like they did...... I added a second major to my Bachelors program, which i am VERYYYYYYYY excited about. So along with Criminal Justice, I'll also have a degree in Human Services and Behaviors. A LOTTTTTT of work but great prep for the Masters program, granted I'm alive long enough to get that far. :)) Had a wonderful weekend party for my daughters coming home. Ever tried to play volleyball with a 2.5 foot blow up beach ball?? Friggn hilarious! I've never played volleyball, but it was just so much fun! Britty had the best time with Robert and Sarah. I haven't seen those three together for ages and our guts all hurt from all the junk food and laughing!! My GF Geri brought out her 3yo lil boy who instantly became the life and laugh of the party! Poor Mike. We both tried to teach lil Drake how to cast but he snagged Mike more times than the line even hit the water! Then he decided to make mom chase him as he ran out into the lake as far as he could, SOAKED head to toe!! He's sooooooooooooo damn adorable! I asked him if I could trade him to his mom for the fishing pole and as he thought about it, very hard, he finally looked at her, looked at me, back to her and said, "no, not for the pole cuz she can't do it but you can trade me for a bag of candy!". How cute is that!?!?!?!?! It's a real blessing for me to have both kids at home again. They're so darn grown up. Christopher has been the biggest help when I get sick, since he kind of took over where brit left off. I'm so glad she got the break though because a child should NEVER have to care for a sick parent through chemo. But she only came home tuesday and I had gotten really sick thurs at work and was (sent) home. I had my chemo and injections and totally forgot that my girlie hadn't seen me be sick for almost a month now. She was only around for that initial first dose. I was so so sick on thurs and Friday and could tell it freaked her out bad. I tried to stay in my room or the bathroom but there's no mistaking "chemo sick". Fuk I hate putting my kids through seeing and hearing that. It's hell. I need to get to sleep, the nightmares are back FULL FORCE so sleep is NOT something I look forward to anymore. I fell over after work today from complete exhaustion and slept for like 4 hours. I guess I needed it,,,,,,, Good night world. Goodnight moon. Goodnight babies. Goodnight person who ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, left it beating just enough so that I can still continue to feel the fucking hell of the empty torture with every damn bloody beat......... Goodnight rain. Goodnight friends and family, wherever you are...... :-))