06.18.12

It was virtually impossible to go to sleep last night. As I lay there, all alone, I realized that I might never feel your arms around me again. I felt so alone. I felt empty and hurt and so... Unloved. Used. I can stand in a room full of people who (say they) love me and know that, as I look at you, there is only one person I want in my life. The one I can never have. I know in a way you're out of my life now, yet you still talk to me as if you are with me every moment of every day, like a best friend. I can say you were my best friend. I'd never say different. I'm watching the sun rise through my bedroom window and can remember a day when I watched it with you, making plans, feeling so loved....and wanted. Now, even as I see you, I know you love me enough to let me say absolutely anything to you. You always make me feel so important in that moment, yet you are so damn guarded. Like you think I can't see it? It just hurts. You say you love me, which is why you gave me this space, to be me, and you still put yourself in my life. But when you need me. Or only what I can do to fulfil the emptiness you have in your life. I know you were my best friend, but I want my lover back. I haven't felt whole since...