4.28.12

4.28.12 It hurts today, more than before Like my hearts been ripped out and stomped to the floor I can't find the words to describe the pain I feel My face still smiles, but my pain is real I know it's all because of the choices I've made Those are my dues, the prices I've paid the loneliness, the emptiness, the sadness inside Sometimes I succeed but it's so hard to hide To those who know my heart so well They see it firsthand, this living fucking hell Sometimes I think I'm done with this fight But I struggle and hold on with all my might They tell me tomorrow will only get better They don't know and their opinion doesn't matter The fear, the terrors, the night sweats and pain At times I wonder if I'd choose this again How easy it would be to just let it all go  Would you miss me tomorrow, would you even know That I choose to leave, that I'm really gone Three little hearts without a mom I could never hurt them in that wicked way Those three little hearts love me more than words can say But what about me I'm still completely alone When I lay down at night this space is my own My wants are so simple so easy so clear I tried to tell you but did you really hear

4.24.12

It's late. Another night alone. Trouble with the kids. Medical crap. Nothing major like legal or anything. Yes, I do feel blessed...... I can do medical, I got that area covered. Legal and I'd have to kick some ass. One of Brits friends told us tonight that she's working off community service hours...... I thought this kid was like sooooo honorable and (pretty religious/Christian). She got caught stealing from a local store. I about choked I was so friggn shocked! So, in criminal law, my grade is sitting at an A+!!!! Friggn whooooppppeeeee for me. I was so worried that since I spent a few days sick and ....uh, otherwise (entertained) for 2 weeks of this class that my grade would be very low, like a damn C or even as bad as a D. But, since my company left, I have put my heart back into my class work and it shows. I think I would be beyond disappointed in myself if I got to graduation, early next year, with anything less than a GPA of 3.3 or around there. (damn perfectionist...i am.) I "caught" a lady sneaking in contraband to the center today.... Not a good thing. I had to call the director, bless her heart. These ladies lately have really been putting us through the wringer! But, she came back and handled it with me and really validated the work i was doing especially on the person search I had done to find the contraband. The lady had to go to the hospital though, due to taking to much (stuff) and the horrible part is: I don't think she even realizes that she put her life in such a serious risk. She could have died today out there .... And she was with me! Well, not when the incident happened, I happened to be the transport, so I got the end of it. Sometimes, I just don't understand how these ladies can say they want recovery, that they are there voluntarily, yet do some of the things they do. Sneaky addict behaviors! But, like they say in NA, "you can't bullshit a bullshitter....." Long day, glad its over. I'm crawling into my monster comfy bed and drifting away. Sweet dreams all.

4.20.12

And yes, I'm still sick. LOL
Still taking daily oral chemo meds.
Still getting immunotherapy injections every week.
Still taking IM injections once every 2 weeks. And hell do they interact with the chemo!
When I took it last week, I about puked all over the doll who was here taking care of me. (whoops!LOL)
But they didn't leave me...... I was amazed at the love, care and attention I still received, even after getting sick.
At least I don't still get sick like I used to.  These episodes only last hours at a time.... not days, like before.
But my K2 (potassium) level is still dropping. Normal people are supposed to be above 4. I was still down to a 2. Much lower for longer periods can kill a person. I've added healthier foods to my diet.  Peanuts are a protein so added to chocolate, which should really be classified as a protein too since it comes from a bean, and added together to make Reeses, should really count that I'm eating healthier..... Kidding!!
I got called today from the doctors office and told I need to have blood work by Friday. So, I'll go tomorrow afternoon, why go today when you can put it off till the very last minute???  I hate blood work.
But, I'll find out Monday if any meds have to change.

I know I'm sick and struggle every day with this crap but hell if I'm not tired of doing all this alone.......
good night.

4.19.12

I don't even know how to start. It's been so long since I've written and so much has changed. 

School is still good. This semester is Criminal Law. Tough as shit but it's really interesting.  GPA is still down, it's a 3.2 and that's killing me. Such a dang perfectionist.....

Brits doing well. Stable and making it through every day. She has so many more good days now than bad.

She went to her JR prom last weekend and yes, I cried all day. I had a close friend in town who actually changed the flight so that I wouldn't be crying over both of them in one day.  What an act of love right?

Work is still difficult. I keep asking for debriefing sessions after a crisis and it's looked at like I'm asking for the moon. F'en hell.  We push for our customers to talk, to journal, to not stuff their feelings, to work through their sh**.  Yet, as staff, we are there day in and day out, listen to the sh**, take all sorts of verbal abuse day after day, care for them and their kids, witness and break up the fights... and the list of hell goes on and on. Yet, as staff, we only have each other. We get caught talking about it and we can get written up. Who do we talk to? Who do we defuse with?  Were supposed to abide by HIPAA so how do we get through? 

We were heard joking about a really stressful incident last week and we got talked to for our attitudes! WTF?! Really?  We were in the staff office. closed doors. no customers anywhere around. we were talking amongst ourselves.  But were not allowed to talk about any of the situations we experience? 

It makes people like walking talking time bombs. 

For the most part, I REALLY enjoy what I do. I enjoy my career. But I do not like be treated like a robot and a person who is supposed to remain unwavering through stressful situations. I have never lost it in front of my clients. Never. But after a crisis, like ANY human, I need to de-brief. Just as do my co-workers. But were not allowed.  One clinical manager said that is what our weekly team meeting is for, yet we have never been able to utilize that time as a debriefing session. As “counselors” aren’t we supposed to be allowed the same courtesy so that we can be the most effective supports we can be. 

F’en hell. 

Sheila and I made it to the gym, once last week. I keep pushing too much and my knee kills the next day. I miss going every day. It was euphoric for me. My body felt so much better. I would still go every day if it weren't for this damn knee. September cant come soon enough so I can have my complete new knee. I know it's going to be hell recuperating but it's sooooo going to be worth it! 

Ok, here's the juicy crap.  :-)  took long enough to build up to right?   I've had a few dates. :-))   yes, mostly with the same person!!! ha ha 

But....... shit. nevermind. I'm not ready to dump it, all.  I do feel like I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've known each other for years. But there is always a catch isn't there???  

The other night with this person was amazing. The way we talk and connect. The feel of electricity when our skin touches. The sparkle in our eyes when we share a secret moment. But then also knowing that the moment wont last forever. 

I've loved this person for a long while. I don't know how this is going to work any time soon though. I know where I am. I also know where this person is at and that I cannot make a person change their own circumstances. 

I hate feeling like I am on the back burner. 

4.3.12

Did you vote today? Yes, of course I did! I told a friend who asked, " I'M THE NRA AND I VOTE!!!" Brit is doing her patch testing. It's day two and she's miserable. Anyone who has ever had it done, (I've done it twice now) knows that its a living hell for 4 days. When we got done, the bill was just under $1600.00. Gotta love insurance she said, like she'd ever have to pay the bill. Yes, I trained her well! ;). But no antihistamines for last week and this, for the tests. And without her taking them (at night) I uh... Kinda forgot mine too. We're a sneezing runny mess. She punched herself in the nose yesterday she had em going so often. I bonked my own head this morning sneezing. The ladies in the center where I work kept saying geez, bless you again Kirsten! Ugh. Ive been on this new regimen of medication cocktails for almost 2 weeks now and I see a little improvement. My joints arent near as swollen and I can make it through most days (if they're completely UNSTRESSFUL) without crashing and needing a nap by 3. My darling day shift coworkers are so good to me and really are helpful to keep up making sure I rest enough. I keep asking the boss, she she has little ones, if it's fair for them to take naps in kindergarten and they have boatloads of energy, why can't us 'older' folks take one cuz we have so much LESS energy?! Makes total sense to me.... I have company coming tomorrow for just over a week. Whoooooppoeeeeee! :). We've known each other since what, grade school? Wicked. It's going to be fun. I'm excited and nervous as shit. Y'all know how self conscious I am..... Class is way tough this semester. The American constitution and criminal law. Damn. But, I finished my last class, crime prevention with a very high B. I was disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I like having my GPA above 3.5 but I think it's now about 3.4. Not good...for me. Damn perfectionism. We're gonna try tubing at arctic valley again next weekend. last weekend was terrible. I was late getting off work by an hour, slid and went sideways backwards on the hill, we were minutes too late so couldn't sled, I slipped cuz I brought the wrong boots, wiped out on the already BAD knee and nailed Sheila in her bad knee, almost ran out of gas going back to town and then Brit crashed her car into a snowbank and I thought they were gonna go over the side of the mountain...... It was a hella long day. So, for Easter, let's try again!! And this time, no friggn UGGS!!! K. Off for now, just needed to check in.