2.8.13 I want out of this box

2.8.13

I feel like I’m trapped in this little box, that has sharp little pokers sticking in from the outside. 

Sometimes, if I say just the wrong word or make the slightest wrong move, I get poked or scraped or even stabbed. But only on the inside, to my soul, to my heart.  I just want some happiness from this dark fucking box. A life outside this fucking box.

I can compromise. I can play nice and still be quiet. I’m not just a little trophy that you can pull out of the box when it fits your need to show off.

But I’m so fucking sick of living in this box.  I had a life before. We were happy. We may not have had a whole lot, but we had a good life. I didn’t have a life inside a painfully dark box. Yes, I got lonely, who doesn’t?  But it wasn’t like this.  I just want out.

Mental abuse is so hard to explain.  …….another addict.  I swore to my kids, to myself that I wouldn’t do this again.  But …..

I didn’t start out like this. The box didn’t even exist. Well, not like this it didn’t. I knew it was there. Shiny, bright, big, inviting. Not at all like it’s turned into. It wasn’t painful at first. It was welcoming. Warm. A comfort.

I don’t see my friends anymore. I don’t go out anymore. Hell, I barely see my folks anymore. This box contains my whole life. My whole being. To others, it just sits there, shiny and bright for all to look at. Everything looks so happy and fucking perfect. It’s NOT THAT!!  It’s anything but.

I made a mistake. But I have no way to fix it anymore. All my routes out have been removed. My back road has disappeared.  I’m stuck in this fucking box.  I’m going to die in a fucking box. Please cremate me so my spirit won’t have to go on forever in another fucking box…..

9.16.12

My daddy had a heart attack last night. Second one in almost exactly 7 years. I stayed there at the hospital until almost 7am. I got about 2 hours of sleep. I'm so exhausted.
So, here's the issue of the day:::
Last night, I was the first one at the hospital. Which did not seem to thrill the mother unit. She wasn't emotional either. His heart rate was very low and his blood pressure was off the charts. We had the whole family there, as asked, which she was happy to see my brothers and my kids.  Every time I asked her if she needed anything, she didn't, from me.
I stayed with my dad till he got in his room and was stabilized. She kept telling me to leave.  I said no. Not until I knew he was safe and stable for the night. She promised me she was going to stay there with him but when I went to get her a fold out bed, she did not want it. ( I thought that was strange and told her it wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in a chair.) but she wouldn't let me get a bed. I said several times she could stay with me which she said no to each time. (fine the ). So when i was leaving, i told her that I was worried if she choose to drive because she was so tired and it was the middle of the night and the weather was bad. She still said she was staying.
The kids and I went to get a bite to eat. (saw 2 old friends, well 1 friend, 1 ex...) so after we ate, I went back to the hospital. She wasn't there.  Dad said she went home. He did not want me staying there and that he was just fine and go home to my  babies and sleep in my bed.
This AM, when I called him, he was getting up (still alone) which yes, bugged me. I asked if I could come over in a bit and dad said n a while after the doc comes to do the tests.
When I called back a few later, mom had shown up. I talked w dad for a few and they were waiting on test results, to make sure the stints in his heart were working.
Mom texted me a little bit ago saying all was clear and dad was going to be released today!!!
I called her back.  I asked her where she went last night and she straight up lied to me saying she was there with dad all night.  I didn't know what to say.  So then I said that I came back after dinner and to check back in and she wasn't there. She was pissed that I came back!!  Told me I didn't have to.
I said said i was worried and the nurses said it was ok, especially since he couldn't sleep.
I asked her again where she was because I worried about her driving that late and that it was a stressful day for her. She then said she slept in her truck in the parking lot.  I said, "oh. I didn't see your truck anywhere...".  She was MAD and went off on me saying I had no right to question her and that since I became an adult she didn't ask me where I was, who I was with or what I was doing and that I had no right to do that to her. And that whatever she does and with who is none of my business. I just sat there not knowing what to fucking say to that. I said again that I was worried about her last night and she told me not to. I said fine. I won't ever ask again. She said "good. Don't. It's none of your business and I'll hold you to that...."
What the fuck!?!?!?!?

Why does she think this is a fucking competition for my dads attention?  I love my dad! I have always been a daddy's girl. I know she hates that because her words and body language make it clear as glass. Why the hell does she fucking hate me so much!?!?!?!?!     How can you hate your child so much and think every bit of life is a damn competition for my dads attention!?

She has hurt me so bad today.  I feel so fucking angry at her for her hate and contempt towards me.

8.7.12

Feedback needed: to any who read.....
I had a consult with my director at work (she was just recently promoted).   She is pushing me to apply for her past position as CA supervisor. She said I could do it and I have the skills needed. I just dont think I want a salaried position again... There aren't very many of up for it and I talked to my coworker today who is also applying for it.   (yes sheila, i know we've discussed this...) lol
It felt really good to praised so positively from her, my director. I think she was shocked when I took her "constructive feedback" with a positive attitude, did not get defensive and said I would use it work harder on my relationship skills.   Coming from a (helping/social work) background where you are supposed to be empathetic to those who you work with, it's hard sometimes to turn off the sympathy towards some of our customers when then they are hurting, but we are expected to.  She reminded me that these are women who are used to being manipulative and I need to step back sometimes. I know I do.  She is aware how hard that is for me and seemed almost shocked when I asked her for suggestions on how to do that and not present as "cold" towards them.  I got a lot of positive support and feedback which I know will come in useful.
But she is really pushing me to apply for these 3 open positions within BSD that will put me in a supervisory role.  I'm not too sure if that's what I want anymore or if I'm just looking to stay where I'm at because ... Well, frankly, it's comfortable, and easy. And I really, for the most part, enjoy what I do.

I've been meeting people. Men. Dating.  It's...... Umm, interesting. This is where I find myself feeling the coldness that she said I need to identify. I'm so damn tired of getting a broken heart from every relationship I enter into.

I need sleep. Brit has bronchitis and sounds like shit, bless her sick little heart.
I'm 99% sure I'm taking a personal trip in September to see an old friend..... I wonder what will cum of that!?!?!?

Ok, bed time. Goodnight sweet darkness. Come wrap your arms around me tonight and hold me tight...

8.4.12

So, I've been "reminded"  by several people that I havent updated in awhile...
A lot has happened  recently...
But I'm not quite sure how I feel about posting everything.
My best friend was in a really bad car crash last weekend. She was on a breathing machine for a couple days and had major surgery because her back was crushed and her intestines ruptured. It was touch n go for a few days but she's finally out of ICU and a little more stable. She's in so much pain and it's heart breaking to see her that way. Because my chemo has been increased again, I've been getting sick and feel shitty that I cant spend more time at the hospital with her. 

06.18.12...still, for a few more minutes

....my heart is happy..... It was a day full of all sorts of hellish torment and emotions. * getting my ass chewed by a (person) I had only gone on a couple of dates with. I met the daughter. She loved me, of course. Little people do. It's the big ppl who pose the nervousness in me. Her parent was laid off and even though I tried to talk to her tonight, to help her see that it wasn't her fault, I got the shit from the parent. I'll take the kid, but that's about it now.... * an x ((husband)) tried to lay a guilt trip on me for his emotions. I'm sorry you're hurting but you chose the life you're now living and I am no longer that crucial part which is supposed to bring you happiness and enjoyment. I am still not married again, like you rushed back into, because I can honestly sAy I can enjoy quiet time, alone, by myself and not have to rely on you or anyone for my happiness. I'm so sorry he hurts. I'm so sorry it took sooooo many years for us to figure out that we could be decent friends, but I am no longer responsible for his pain. I will always love you, for the wonderful gifts in my life that I have today, that came from our life together, but you're choosing to live a miserable fucking existence with her and there in itself lies your hell..... * poor x boyfriend ... My counseling background came in useful for him tonight as he walked me through his hell of a journey of being told to (fu** off) by the latest love of his life. Try as I did, he is still not able to see that he had a part in their break up, as he did in ours. It is not always the girls fault but if you repeatedly date ladies who end up leaving you (for all the same reasons) wouldn't you take a step back and look at your own actions? Common sense. I feel hurt in my heart for him, as we talked all night tonight and he is no more closer to any kind of healing than he was before. But at least he thanked me for being his friend today. So, I did something right!! * at work, I wrote a huge proposal for a massive all customer (and their kids) fishing trip for 2 weeks out. I guess that expensive business degree finally came in handy. I got huge props at work for the proposal. Although the original plan was denied, I was given a 2nd chance to present it to the management staff, but as a smaller scale event, and then ......I got it!! Damn sweet!! * I get to spend all Saturday with my girlfriend, fishing!!!!!!!!!! We always have sooooo much fun together. And I really need to get back into my favorite hobby and put aside my fears (friggin spider bite!!). I'm so excited to get to spend the entire day with her, just us..... And the boat....the poles.....and the fisheys!!!!! Maybe we'll even get a road trip in the convertible...... She knows that's a sure fire seller for me, when she take me out in the Miata and we ride together with the wind through our hair. I'm just so happy to get to go and to spend a whole day with her. I already know we're going to have a ton of fun. We laugh so much we cry! * a partner I love with all my heart will be here soon and the news today was the best word spoken to me in a long time. I really miss our time together and its healing and loving and entertaining when we are together. * I finally saw my immunologist today..... We did LOTS of tests and blood work and no, I cannot stop the injections yet, but hopefully some of the results will yield positive answers which may give us more hope and a plan for future gradual step downs of the injections..... But, my breathing is at 114%, so in that, my lungs are the shit!!!! Oh yeah!!!!! * chris and Cesar found their new place and he's moving out the beginning of July. I know this was a temporary place for him to rest and thank you god that I was able to let him stay here. But hell if it doesn't break my heart all over again, watching him prepare to move away again. Eddie came and saw me At work today. God if he doesn't really look good! He's working for my x and doing a hella good job And you can see that the honest work has one him well. He smiled the entire visit and his body finally looks good and strong and healthy! It was sooooooo heart warming. Brit is home sick, on the 3rd week of the chest crud. She has the seal bark again. Doc said its just the crud and has to work it's way out, but she's damn miserable. Poor baby. I really missed my sister today. But I was able to go back through my phone, see some very precious pictures I uploaded and say a lil blessing that she is finally at peace where ever her soul is dancing. Hell if I don't still miss her calling me every single day...... Ok, I'm going to bed. Alone. But right now, I am more ok with it than ever. And that feels so good. And cupcake topper, since I know u read these silly blogs.... Thank you for tonight. You know why!! I love you always.....

06.18.12

It was virtually impossible to go to sleep last night. As I lay there, all alone, I realized that I might never feel your arms around me again. I felt so alone. I felt empty and hurt and so... Unloved. Used. I can stand in a room full of people who (say they) love me and know that, as I look at you, there is only one person I want in my life. The one I can never have. I know in a way you're out of my life now, yet you still talk to me as if you are with me every moment of every day, like a best friend. I can say you were my best friend. I'd never say different. I'm watching the sun rise through my bedroom window and can remember a day when I watched it with you, making plans, feeling so loved....and wanted. Now, even as I see you, I know you love me enough to let me say absolutely anything to you. You always make me feel so important in that moment, yet you are so damn guarded. Like you think I can't see it? It just hurts. You say you love me, which is why you gave me this space, to be me, and you still put yourself in my life. But when you need me. Or only what I can do to fulfil the emptiness you have in your life. I know you were my best friend, but I want my lover back. I haven't felt whole since...

05.28.12

Im stupid, stupid, stupid. Yes, I can say that about myself at this point in time....... I let my morals and my guard down and fell in love a person (one of) I had been ((""dating??"")) or whatever the hell it was supposed to be ......... Yesterday, it ended. I'm allowed to date whomever, whenever, wherever I want. I'm soooooo damn single it's pathetic at my age. So, I can date right? Why the hell throw love into the damn mix?! I'm a little hurt right now, and rightly so. But, I also brought it on myself. Can I blame it on "chemo brain/chemo fog"?! Pleeeaaasssseeee!?!? I like to think that I have quite the variety to choose from (when it comes to dating.....) considering my "tastes". Lol!! Fuck-it. Enough of the GD heartbreak..... It's over and life definitely moves on. F'en married people shouldn't EVER even put themselves out there, because if they cheat once, they will do it again. Psychology shows the facts and the stats. So, screw me once, shame on u, screw me twice and I'm going to hunt ur ass down and torture the hell out of you for damaging the last little bit of heart I had left........ Im just kidding, right? Would innocent lil me ever really threaten or hurt another person......!?! Ha! Try me. (sweet lil dimpled smiles!) heeee heeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Muwahahahahahahaaaahhhhhhaaaaaa!! Moving on..... Just like they did...... I added a second major to my Bachelors program, which i am VERYYYYYYYY excited about. So along with Criminal Justice, I'll also have a degree in Human Services and Behaviors. A LOTTTTTT of work but great prep for the Masters program, granted I'm alive long enough to get that far. :)) Had a wonderful weekend party for my daughters coming home. Ever tried to play volleyball with a 2.5 foot blow up beach ball?? Friggn hilarious! I've never played volleyball, but it was just so much fun! Britty had the best time with Robert and Sarah. I haven't seen those three together for ages and our guts all hurt from all the junk food and laughing!! My GF Geri brought out her 3yo lil boy who instantly became the life and laugh of the party! Poor Mike. We both tried to teach lil Drake how to cast but he snagged Mike more times than the line even hit the water! Then he decided to make mom chase him as he ran out into the lake as far as he could, SOAKED head to toe!! He's sooooooooooooo damn adorable! I asked him if I could trade him to his mom for the fishing pole and as he thought about it, very hard, he finally looked at her, looked at me, back to her and said, "no, not for the pole cuz she can't do it but you can trade me for a bag of candy!". How cute is that!?!?!?!?! It's a real blessing for me to have both kids at home again. They're so darn grown up. Christopher has been the biggest help when I get sick, since he kind of took over where brit left off. I'm so glad she got the break though because a child should NEVER have to care for a sick parent through chemo. But she only came home tuesday and I had gotten really sick thurs at work and was (sent) home. I had my chemo and injections and totally forgot that my girlie hadn't seen me be sick for almost a month now. She was only around for that initial first dose. I was so so sick on thurs and Friday and could tell it freaked her out bad. I tried to stay in my room or the bathroom but there's no mistaking "chemo sick". Fuk I hate putting my kids through seeing and hearing that. It's hell. I need to get to sleep, the nightmares are back FULL FORCE so sleep is NOT something I look forward to anymore. I fell over after work today from complete exhaustion and slept for like 4 hours. I guess I needed it,,,,,,, Good night world. Goodnight moon. Goodnight babies. Goodnight person who ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, left it beating just enough so that I can still continue to feel the fucking hell of the empty torture with every damn bloody beat......... Goodnight rain. Goodnight friends and family, wherever you are...... :-))