06.18.12...still, for a few more minutes

....my heart is happy..... It was a day full of all sorts of hellish torment and emotions. * getting my ass chewed by a (person) I had only gone on a couple of dates with. I met the daughter. She loved me, of course. Little people do. It's the big ppl who pose the nervousness in me. Her parent was laid off and even though I tried to talk to her tonight, to help her see that it wasn't her fault, I got the shit from the parent. I'll take the kid, but that's about it now.... * an x ((husband)) tried to lay a guilt trip on me for his emotions. I'm sorry you're hurting but you chose the life you're now living and I am no longer that crucial part which is supposed to bring you happiness and enjoyment. I am still not married again, like you rushed back into, because I can honestly sAy I can enjoy quiet time, alone, by myself and not have to rely on you or anyone for my happiness. I'm so sorry he hurts. I'm so sorry it took sooooo many years for us to figure out that we could be decent friends, but I am no longer responsible for his pain. I will always love you, for the wonderful gifts in my life that I have today, that came from our life together, but you're choosing to live a miserable fucking existence with her and there in itself lies your hell..... * poor x boyfriend ... My counseling background came in useful for him tonight as he walked me through his hell of a journey of being told to (fu** off) by the latest love of his life. Try as I did, he is still not able to see that he had a part in their break up, as he did in ours. It is not always the girls fault but if you repeatedly date ladies who end up leaving you (for all the same reasons) wouldn't you take a step back and look at your own actions? Common sense. I feel hurt in my heart for him, as we talked all night tonight and he is no more closer to any kind of healing than he was before. But at least he thanked me for being his friend today. So, I did something right!! * at work, I wrote a huge proposal for a massive all customer (and their kids) fishing trip for 2 weeks out. I guess that expensive business degree finally came in handy. I got huge props at work for the proposal. Although the original plan was denied, I was given a 2nd chance to present it to the management staff, but as a smaller scale event, and then ......I got it!! Damn sweet!! * I get to spend all Saturday with my girlfriend, fishing!!!!!!!!!! We always have sooooo much fun together. And I really need to get back into my favorite hobby and put aside my fears (friggin spider bite!!). I'm so excited to get to spend the entire day with her, just us..... And the boat....the poles.....and the fisheys!!!!! Maybe we'll even get a road trip in the convertible...... She knows that's a sure fire seller for me, when she take me out in the Miata and we ride together with the wind through our hair. I'm just so happy to get to go and to spend a whole day with her. I already know we're going to have a ton of fun. We laugh so much we cry! * a partner I love with all my heart will be here soon and the news today was the best word spoken to me in a long time. I really miss our time together and its healing and loving and entertaining when we are together. * I finally saw my immunologist today..... We did LOTS of tests and blood work and no, I cannot stop the injections yet, but hopefully some of the results will yield positive answers which may give us more hope and a plan for future gradual step downs of the injections..... But, my breathing is at 114%, so in that, my lungs are the shit!!!! Oh yeah!!!!! * chris and Cesar found their new place and he's moving out the beginning of July. I know this was a temporary place for him to rest and thank you god that I was able to let him stay here. But hell if it doesn't break my heart all over again, watching him prepare to move away again. Eddie came and saw me At work today. God if he doesn't really look good! He's working for my x and doing a hella good job And you can see that the honest work has one him well. He smiled the entire visit and his body finally looks good and strong and healthy! It was sooooooo heart warming. Brit is home sick, on the 3rd week of the chest crud. She has the seal bark again. Doc said its just the crud and has to work it's way out, but she's damn miserable. Poor baby. I really missed my sister today. But I was able to go back through my phone, see some very precious pictures I uploaded and say a lil blessing that she is finally at peace where ever her soul is dancing. Hell if I don't still miss her calling me every single day...... Ok, I'm going to bed. Alone. But right now, I am more ok with it than ever. And that feels so good. And cupcake topper, since I know u read these silly blogs.... Thank you for tonight. You know why!! I love you always.....

06.18.12

It was virtually impossible to go to sleep last night. As I lay there, all alone, I realized that I might never feel your arms around me again. I felt so alone. I felt empty and hurt and so... Unloved. Used. I can stand in a room full of people who (say they) love me and know that, as I look at you, there is only one person I want in my life. The one I can never have. I know in a way you're out of my life now, yet you still talk to me as if you are with me every moment of every day, like a best friend. I can say you were my best friend. I'd never say different. I'm watching the sun rise through my bedroom window and can remember a day when I watched it with you, making plans, feeling so loved....and wanted. Now, even as I see you, I know you love me enough to let me say absolutely anything to you. You always make me feel so important in that moment, yet you are so damn guarded. Like you think I can't see it? It just hurts. You say you love me, which is why you gave me this space, to be me, and you still put yourself in my life. But when you need me. Or only what I can do to fulfil the emptiness you have in your life. I know you were my best friend, but I want my lover back. I haven't felt whole since...