3.30.12

Its been a few days/weeks since I've had the time to be lazy and write.... Finally a day off during the week but it's full of dr Appointments. Britty spent the other nite in the ER again. But this time, she wasn't deathly Ill. She has TMJ and her jaw popped out (which I must say, appears to be hella painful!!!) and then it locked shut!! My poor baby. She was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. They had to give her a truck load of medication so she could relax enough for them to manipulate her jaw. Then this intern was called in to hold her head like his strong hands were a torture device. Still didn't work. The awesome doc, who also has TMJ, got one side back in but there was no getting the right side to pop back into place. With all the meds she was given, oral and Iv, I can't believe she walked out of the ER wide awake! I had fallen asleep in the hard cold chair with my head falling back over the back, my mouth wide open. Omg. You think my kid woke me? Of course not! She was realllllllly medicated and laughed at me! The goofball. At least she got a few good laughs during her very painful experience....even if it was at my expense. :) Headed to the oncologist in a few hours. Since I blew my knee again, I haven't been able to work out and I put On a couple pounds. No more than 5 probably but I feel miserable. The gym is like crack for me!! I got my immunotherapy injection yesterday and then a blood draw. Tonight I have to take my big home injection. I hate that thing but it really helps keeping the Eosinophilis at a manageable level and my joints don't lock up near as much ...so, suffer and deal. Random thought:::: I LOOOOOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need to get my house cleaned up.... Have some very special company coming into town next week and y'all who know my house, know that a stranger could get lost in here and never be found again! (kidding... But it sounded good.). It's just that the kids and I have accumulated a lot of shit living here in the past 7+ years and it always seems cluttered, to me..... So, off to appointments then home for stupid homework. Class this semester is The American constitution and criminal law. I'm already overwhelmed........... Later.

3.30.12

Its been a few days/weeks since I've had the time to be lazy and write.... Finally a day off during the week but it's full of dr Appointments. Britty spent the other nite in the ER again. But this time, she wasn't deathly Ill. She has TMJ and her jaw popped out (which I must say, appears to be hella painful!!!) and then it locked shut!! My poor baby. She was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. They had to give her a truck load of medication so she could relax enough for them to manipulate her jaw. Then this intern was called in to hold her head like his strong hands were a torture device. Still didn't work. The awesome doc, who also has TMJ, got one side back in but there was no getting the right side to pop back into place. With all the meds she was given, oral and Iv, I can't believe she walked out of the ER wide awake! I had fallen asleep in the hard cold chair with my head falling back over the back, my mouth wide open. Omg. You think my kid woke me? Of course not! She was realllllllly medicated and laughed at me! The goofball. At least she got a few good laughs during her very painful experience....even if it was at my expense. :) Headed to the oncologist in a few hours. Since I blew my knee again, I haven't been able to work out and I put On a couple pounds. No more than 5 probably but I feel miserable. The gym is like crack for me!! I got my immunotherapy injection yesterday and then a blood draw. Tonight I have to take my big home injection. I hate that thing but it really helps keeping the Eosinophilis at a manageable level and my joints don't lock up near as much ...so, suffer and deal. Random thought:::: I LOOOOOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need to get my house cleaned up.... Have some very special company coming into town next week and y'all who know my house, know that a stranger could get lost in here and never be found again! (kidding... But it sounded good.). It's just that the kids and I have accumulated a lot of shit living here in the past 7+ years and it always seems cluttered, to me..... So, off to appointments then home for stupid homework. Class this semester is The American constitution and criminal law. I'm already overwhelmed........... Later.

3.9.12

3.9.12

I had the weirdest dream last night!!  I couldn't sleep, no surprise there....

Anchorage was turned into weird town where all these strange ladies dressed as the white storm trooper bad guys in star wars, wearing the full costume but you could tell they were ladies because they all had loooong blonde hair hanging out of the helmet.

They went around with these blue and green plastic cheap clipboards and everyone had their name read. You had to decide in an instant if you believed in God or Satan. I said, “God of course!”  They grabbed me out of my apartment. They said Brittany’s name and she stuttered, scared.  “Uh, God?”  “GO WITH YOUR MOM! NOW” Brit was grabbed and shoved towards me.

They looked at Chris… and Brit and I were so scared. He’s pretty much his own person. (Atheist I guess?) He neither follows here nor there.   They grabbed him and yelled, “TOO LONG NON BELIEVER!! GO TO THE TRUCK!”  And they took him away to this horribly smelling old time slave looking truck. It was so sad. All these crying people. Men, women and children. Some little kids- all alone. They threw him in the back of this jail looking cell on the back of this flatbed.  We couldn’t talk to him or anyone.  He was crying and it killed me.

They pushed us towards this Greyhound looking bus and forced us on, giving us a seat assignment.  Brit and were together next to 5 of her very blonde girlfriends.

They were all hugging on me asking, “Mommy, what the hell is going on?”  “What is all this?”  “They took my parents away!”  “Mommy, were so scared!” 

How was I to tell all these (suddenly scared little) girls that I had no idea what was going on. I was just as scared if not more. Bastards just took my son away!

My thoughts were running loudly in my head and coming nonstop. “What the F*$?!?!  Who cares about anyone else??!!!! They took my son!”

We were told to sit down and hold on.  All the girls crammed in by me and Britt.  Our bus started moving.  One parent was screaming for her child who was on the other bus. She tried to jump out the back window and they beat her to death with those Godawful green and blue plastic clip boards… those damn things,  they didn’t break.

We were driven, the bus full of almost all crying people, downtown to where the 5^th avenue mall used to be.  We were made to stand in this LOOOOONG line. We couldn’t get out of our space or go see anyone if we saw someone we knew.  We were put right in line behind a girlfriend from work, Geri. I looked at her and she had been crying. We hugged tightly.  I asked her, “Where’s Drake!?  Oh my Gaaawwwdd!!”   She cried even harder while shaking her head.  One of my girls asked her, “They let you stay and you have dark hair. But they took your baby and he has blonde hair. What happened? This isn’t fair!!”

We were told to move forward with the line and the white star wars ladies were all handing us all small bags.  “Put these on now. All of you. You will find they are your own swimsuits. Put them on right now, here in line. Do as you’re instructed. Now!”

My group of girls all looked around and we opened our bags.  OH MY GOD!  I was given a little blue and green flowery designed bikini that I had purchased when I took a trip with Kathleen, to New York.  Brit was given her brown bikini that I got her a couple summers ago. At least they were cute….

So we sort of made a make shift cover for each other to change. We gathered in a circle with one girl changing at a time in the middle.  (Of course Geri and all the teenage girls looked amazing. I hate my stretch marks and scars from all my surgeries so I HATED how I looked.)

We asked one of the storm trooper ladies how long we had to wear these suits. She simply looked straight ahead and said in a very monotone voice, “Forever…”

“NO WAY LADY!!”  screamed Karly, one of Brit’s friend and they grabbed her and took her away!   We again cried more.

So we were pushed forward in this line that twisted and turned all throughout the 5^th avenue mall and through down town.   When we got up around a corner in the mall where it looked like the dimond center, up by the arcade and the movie theatre, (but it was still 5^th avenue mall…?) there were these 4 OLLLDDD men setting up a card table in the middle of the line. We were confused and Gerri and I told each other to talk to them because neither of us wanted to get taken away.  The storm trooper ladies were coming back again, with their ever present stupid clipboards and asked us why we didn’t have the old men move forward.  The girl crew looked at and I said, “Ma’am I’m really scared of saying the wrong thing to you and getting taken away. I wasn’t sure if we should talk to them or not. Can you please help me out? Let me know what to say.”  

She them took off her helmet and all this amazing beautiful blonde hair came flowing down around her shoulders and down her back.  “Kirsten, thank you for asking.  You just need to remind them to keep the line moving. That’s all that’s important.” 

I looked at her and knew she wasn’t all bad.  I said, “Is there any specific thing we can do to ensure that our girl crew here stays together? It’s devastating to continue losing people.”   

“Of course Kirsten.  Just keep the line moving forward. Don’t talk to other pods. Stay together. Don’t take off your swimsuits and don’t question.  The line HAS to keep moving. Please understand this. It has to keep moving no matter what.  These old men and other pods like them will try to stop the line, you CANNOT let them. You cannot go round them so you have to persuade them to keep the line moving.  Can you do that?  You’re the leader of your pod. You have to do that.”

“Uhmm, ok.  I can do that.  Thank you.”  She smiled at me, put on her helmet again and walked away.   We all looked back and forth between our girl group.  I told the girls to never talk to anyone outside our pod and to always let me do the talking since I seemed to be the chosen one to speak. Geri laughed and said, “You’re always the talker Kirsten!”  And we all laughed, finally.

Around the corner came this bunch of star wars ladies except they walked with a sway and a purpose and didn’t look too kind.  They were all carrying these small brown bags.  When they got to us, their helmets disappeared and they handed each of us a baggie.  When we looked inside it was full of chicken wings. GROSS!!!!!!!!  Yes, chicken wings. Anyone who knows me, knows I HATE those disgusting things.  

“This is your bag of food. It will never be empty.  You have to eat them. ALL”

“Uhhh, okkk?  Forever I take it ma’am? Do we keep our bags?”  She said yes.  And they moved on behind us.   We still had Geri, me, Britty, Ashley, Kailee, and 2 other blond friends of Brits from school. We all agreed to follow their instructions so we didn’t get in trouble.

My iphone rang. We didn’t even know we had our phones!  It was my oldest brother Frank he said he was being driven there with his 2 youngest daughters. Thank God I thought. At least they were ok.  He asked if we needed anything. I said, “yeah, some clothes would be nice!!” He said he was given permission to make a stop so he was going to my house to get my meds and I asked him for a tshirt to cover up with.  Almost as soon as the words came out of my mouth, those blasted clipboards were hitting me all over!! 

They were yelling at me, “You will wear no other clothes! Don’t ask!!”    And after they beat me down, they walked away.  My girl crew helped me up and we moved our line forward up around the corner.  We were headed onto the roof. There were these dark painted lockers all along the walls where our lines were.  I told Geri “I really can’t eat this shit. I never have and they’ll make me sick. I need to put them in a locker.”

So when our line got closer to the outside wall, Geri slid over and slipped the bag full inside, dumped it and handed me back the bag.  We laughed so hard.  And she told me, “We will just keep dumping them for you and wait till they rot and the smell is so bad!”   We kept our line moving and no one said anything else about it. 

When we got closer to the edge we saw this HUGE tube looking thing. We were told by one of the storm trooper ladies that we had to remain together and go down the water slide. 

I said, “Can I ask you a question ma’am?”   “Yes Kirsten.”   “Can you tell me how to keep my pod together, keep holding our bags and slide all at the same time?”  She looked at me like I just grew another head.

“Figure it out Kirsten., You’re the leader.  NOW GO!!!” and she pushed my group together and into the tube.

We were screaming and the voice coming the walls said, “THIS IS YOUR ETERNITY!!! Muwahahahahahahahhhaaaaa!!!”

I woke up in a massive sweat and freaked out. 

3.8.12

Still fighting the sickness all these meds are bringing on...work is kiiling me. I'm so exahusted!!

How do you feel when someone you love, says I love you for the first time?   I do love this person. But...

Please email me and let me know. kirsten_kirk@hotmail.com

3.4.12

Tomorrow, my son, Chris and I are going to a funeral. His blessed most amazing Godmother, Deanna, passed away last week. She was one of the most loved adults I ever looked up to as a child. She said she was so honored when I asked her, at 18, to be my first child's godparent. We kept in touch over the years and of course, like all people, we got busy with life and drifted slowly apart. Never too far. Never to where we couldn't talk on the phone. (since i grew up, married, moved and grew away from our Eagle River church) it was harder to see our old church family members as often.
But we always remained close. She even gave me one of my first job references and I was surprised when I was told how highly she spoke of me! I had no idea I could ever make such a positive impression on someone from such a young age. (I was a rotten teenager, but she obviously never lost faith in me!)
Then, when the kids played violin in middle school, several years ago, her son in law was their teacher! Imagine our surprise! When I called her to tell her, her beautiful voice laughed and she spoke so positively of Mr. Z. It was just such a sweet experience.

Tomorrow will be so hard for her daughters, and loving husband. They are a solid strong family. She has beautiful daughters with beautiful grand kids! She raised them well!!

Prayer for them tonight. Lord be with them tonight and tomorrow.

Deanna, you will always be in my heart. I love you.

3.2.12

Whooooohoooooo..... Back on the bi-weekly injections again. Well last time they were weekly, so this is still good, right? I believe so.
So, at the oncologist, my EOS are going back up : 900. Not horrible. High for normal people and although low ((for me)) they're still slowly rising again. 'normal' people are like under 400.
Next we have the WBC: it was up to 13000. Again, low for me but above 'normal'. Normal range is below 700. So not too bad.
Then we have potassium levels. Normal is around 5. Mine is waaayyy down. 3. So upped my potassium med. good, maybe I'll get some energy back!
Lastly we have some 3 letter word for some marker in my blood which is high and might possibly explain the swelling in my joints, weird pains and complete numbness in my monster feet. I was gonna write it all down but we were talking a lot and he was doing his best to explain everything to my feeble mind. I forgot to write it down! I was on it at the oncologist but spaced it at the rheumatologist. But he put me back on injections bi-weekly. They hurt like hell but they really help! I used to get horrendous headaches when I took it before. If they don't work after a month, then we'll move on to add methotrexate. Another oral chemo med.

Sometimes I feel like a damn lab rat....with great hair! Lol. I'm so glad it's growing back, curly as hell but it's mine at least. :). I hope it doesn't start to fall out again...

You know, when I worked at ASSets, doing case management for my folks/organizing treatment teams could be so damn difficult when there was more than 2-3 doctors on a team. I'm wayyyy past that. I've lost count. We joked today, me and my newest member, dr. B. he thought it was great when I shook his hand and said, 'welcome to the team...good luck!!!!'

Ok, so I'm gonna head home now and start my meds. I hope to god I feel better soon cuz I sure miss the gym with Sheila (& yes, Zen, u 2!) :))
Hopefully tomorrow..... I'll let ya know.

3.2.12

Waiting at the oncologist office.... It's like a constant reminder that I'll never be "well".
I'm ok with it, really!!!
I hope we can find out today why I'm sooooo tired again. I refuse to have a flare up or relapse.

120/88. Not bad! And still losing weight!! Only 1 lb since jan but hey, no complaints!!!
Lil nervous. New nurse. Found out we went to charter college together, both transferred out and both swear we'll never go back! How odd!

The front desk lady, S, always notices when I lose weight and it makes me feel great! We talked about going to the gym and my nazi work out partner! Ha ha.

Well, I'm gonna sit n wait.... Stupid blood work....

More after. :))